I started writing this post before the AstraZeneca vaccine got a “pause” as a first dose in Ontario. I started the post because I was struggling with the news of a first death due to the Covid-19 vaccine. And since then, there have been a few more deaths in Canada related to the AstraZeneca (AZ) vaccine and blood clots.

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After all we have been through and sacrificed since the pandemic started, I know that I can’t be okay with a single person dying because of the Covid-19 vaccines. Medical officials have attempted to reassure that there will always be some risks with vaccines and that the risk still remains low. If I lose a loved one because of the vaccine, I am not sure such reassurance will help me feel better. Hearing a political leader or famous person say they are 100% fine that they took a certain vaccine probably wouldn’t help my grief much either. Sure, we choose things in our lives on our own accord that pose various elements of risk and we can lose close ones to such, but I am not comfortable with those comparisons when it comes to the Covid-19 vaccines. These vaccines are supposed to reduce risk, prevent sickness, help us all live, help restore our lives and work, etc. We are told this. We are getting a sense that being vaccinated will lessen restrictions on our lives and that not being vaccinated could limit our choices and opportunities ahead, even though not mandatory… yet.

But no one should have to die taking it, whether to help themselves or the greater good — That is where I stand. If we are supposed to be okay with the “sacrificial lamb” kind of thing when we hear about deaths due to the Covid-19 vaccines, I don’t think I can be. Is anyone responsible for these deaths? Should anyone be? Who should apologize for bad outcomes?

I don’t have any expertise or theories in this — just writing from the heart. I have an appointment soon for the first dose of a vaccine and I want to be excited, but I still have some trepidation because that’s me, I suppose. The constant “unknowns” about this virus and now the vaccines can seem so heavy at times, but I will keep turning my thoughts to summer and beyond. I do hope that those who had “AZ” as a first dose will also navigate successfully ahead through the second dose phase. Let’s get through this!