Maybe it’s just me, but it seems that as another school year ends there is an increase in articles about the state of parenting and also how children are spending their time. I know I could choose not to read them, but I see such articles shared a lot online. It can be easy to point to —- (insert various labels or styles of) parenting as causing increased rates of anxiety, depression, low-resilience, entitlement, risky behaviour (or not enough risk-taking), etc. Some offer solutions or better strategies. Here are two articles I read recently about a new book, How to Raise an Adult:
What Overparenting Looks Like from a Stanford Dean’s Perspective (an excerpt from the book)
How to Raise an Adult (a review of the book)
The latter ends with a quote from the author of the book,
When parents laugh and enjoy the moment but also teach the satisfaction of hard work, when they listen closely but also give their children space to become who they are, they wind up with kids who know how to work hard, solve problems and savor the moment, too. In other words, get a life, and your child just might do the same someday.”
Sounds simple enough, but…
I talk with many parents now with older and adult children. Not all did the “bad” parenting behaviours often listed in various articles, yet their adult children are experiencing anxiety and other personal struggles as they try to take on more independent living. There is a lot of uncertainty — in post-secondary options, career planning, job stability, living affordability, etc. Young adults have absorbed many “messages” and expectations from schools, the workplace, family, peers, media, etc., and have to sort all that out. We have numerous conversations about this in my own family. It can be quite annoying when an 18 year old says, “I can do what I want — I am an adult now”… yet they clearly aren’t and haven’t taken on adult responsibilities and independence yet. This can be frustrating and discouraging for everyone.
I have posted previously about the hasty judgement of parents without taking the time to understand their context. I still wonder if the state of society and schools should be examined more often to clarify the ways parenting can be a response to certain conditions, expectations, and the “promises” of success. What are parenting “trends” a response to… rather than causing… ? Can the focus become more about changing the state of society and communities rather than the state or approach of parenting?
I need a bigger picture of what is impacting youth and young adults rather than just analyzing parenting. Are parenting articles and books really helpful, or do they just stress out parents even more? Let me know if you read the book!
SheilaSpeaking 
Jun 19, 2015 @ 10:45:19
Great post Sheila – and as you are aware, I like to speak out about the assumptions that are made about parents and their parenting too. I often wonder if it is just easier to blame it on parenting instead of looking deeper, as you suggest at the end of your post. I mean, being curious takes a bit more work, it is far easier to slap a judgment down as an explanation and then walk away and carry on with our lives and still feel good about ourselves (and perhaps even a bit superior…).
I tend to stay away from parenting books these days, unless it is my old standby from Ross Greene (Lost at School). I also tend to avoid the articles with the flashy headlines “parent anxiety causes kid anxiety”.
Like you wrote, there are a significant range and number of factors that will influence the wellness of the child (or youth, or adult), and to try to isolate it to parenting is not helpful.
Thanks again for this post. You’ve given me some things to consider today.
Jun 19, 2015 @ 16:05:20
Appreciate your thoughts, Karen. I know you have a lot of insights as well. I guess certain topics and the way they are framed will sell books and articles better. There might be good intentions behind such, but then… yes, how deep can they go?
Jun 20, 2015 @ 08:26:28
Most of us can quote an example of children who grew up to excel in this world, despite having been exposed to less than stellar parenting. Conversely, there are some who fail to thrive despite the best efforts of wise, loving parents. This is not to suggest, of course, that the actions of parents are irrelevant. Poor parenting can be detrimental. However, a human being is a complex creature that develops from many sources including genetics, school, friends, the media, etc.
Ask any parent who has more than one child, and you will hear stories of unique individuals, each one completely different from the other. One may have strengths where the other has weaknesses and vice versa. One may be confident while the other is less so. This despite having been raised in the same home, by the same parents, under the exact same rules and guidelines. To claim that a child grows up to be what his parents create is a broad , simplistic statement that is often way off the mark.
Thanks for the food for thought, Sheila.
Jun 20, 2015 @ 19:15:01
Appreciate your perspective and thoughts, as always, Denise! Well said… about the complexity of it all!