Well, putting this out there…..
I am struggling these days regarding the texting of teenagers – my own and their friends. What is a good balance? Is there one? Should there be one? Different places – different rules? School, work, home?
With summer here and more family gatherings, I have seen adults/parents expecting teens not to text during the visit. My own have been “called out” on this too, and it has left me conflicted and concerned. I can understand how older adults feel offended by this. I don’t want them to feel disrespected, or my teens to lose their respect.
But maybe I am too new in this. My oldest didn’t have texting on her phone until she was done high school (two years ago). My younger teen has had it for two years now. I seldom text. When they have friends over, I admit, the checking of phones/texts gets to me. Should I have different expectations with girlfriends vs. boyfriends while they are in our home? Can I? Should they? I have some clear rules for my own, eg. not at the dinner table, for one.
My biggest concern is some anxiety/discomfort I have seen because they know they have a text that they haven’t responded to yet. I admit, I love my mobile phone, but I can decide to ignore a phone ringing just as easily as a blinking red light…I think :). I simply worry about how accessible my teens feel they need to be via these texts from friends. Are these pressures that only I see, or I don’t want them to have….yet? What “little things” are they and their friends not attending to because of this connectivity? How much does this matter?
Am I just around an age range/group that didn’t have much guidance with this? Will boundaries/norms become clearer ahead? Will I ever find a comfortable place with this?
I would welcome and appreciate any wisdom or reassurance with this! Preferably before the next family gathering 
Jul 18, 2012 @ 12:06:15
It’s a battle that you will lose if you try to stop it. We’ve decided to just continue on with whatever is happening in the room and don’t “catch them up” if they miss something.
Jul 20, 2012 @ 10:40:11
That is a good tip, Doug! Shifts responsibility/consequence/decision to them….
Jul 18, 2012 @ 12:51:17
Hay Sheila,
I’m just on my lunch break at school and checking my email. I hear you. Sadly, it’s not just teens and I think it’s become cultural. I was at lunch with a friend quite some time ago and she wasn’t even listening to me. She took phone calls and messages throughout the entire lunch, about the most mundane of issues, not an emergency to be had for miles. I should have just stayed home, I was really quite mad.
While I’m in class, the phone is off. I can check messages at lunch. Yet, when I’m at a conference that encourages tech sharing, I’ll tweet away. But no phones at the table. No phones when at other people’s houses for a visit or meal. Maybe I’m old fashioned but I think this is basic etiquette…maybe we’re both wrong? There are clear phone rules my husband and I model for our children, for when that day comes that they’ll have their own phone. This constant connectivity…is it really that important? And I get the anxiety and that it’s very real. Have we forgotten that it’s possible to be “connected” without having your phone attached to you 24/7? Have we forgotten how to be connected the old fashioned way? No doubt this involves creating a very fine and delicate balance. And each family is different…
I’m with you. Step away from the phone. Put the phone down. Connect face to face with your family and friends. You know, the important things in life, the things that matter, experiences not stuff. Maybe we all need that reminder once in awhile and to challenge ourselves that sometimes you need to disconnect to connect. Relax. The texting will still be there
Tracy
Jul 20, 2012 @ 10:42:04
Thanks for your thoughts and impressions on this, Tracy! You touched on many of the social implications that I have been thinking about.
Jul 18, 2012 @ 16:14:34
The following is a true story. Not long ago, I was sitting in my parked car, pulled over to the side of a residential street, waiting for my son to finish delivering his flyer route. I looked into my rear view mirror and spied a teen on a bike peddling towards me. He was texting at the same time and was heading straight towards the rear of my car. He was a fair distance back, and I assumed that he would eventually glance up from his screen and see me there , but he didn’t. As he got uncomfortably close, I started honking the car horn to warn him that he was about to bump me, but he did not seem to hear it… too engrossed in his texting? Sure enough, to my shock and chagrin, he ran smack right into my rear bumper. He was unharmed and very apologetic. And no damage to my car. But I was astonished that he had been so oblivious to his surroundings that he could not see my car parked there or hear my horn blaring! In this particular instance, no real harm was done. The young man was unharmed, very polite and promised to put the phone away for the rest of his trek. But did he learn anything from this ‘near miss’? Let’s hope so!
Teens (and adults!) need to put away the phones whenever they are in any situation that requires full and undivided attention. Mobile phones are, for the most part, a leisure device and should be used during leisure time.
Jul 20, 2012 @ 10:45:01
Thanks for sharing that experience, Denise! Wow! I trust he has learned from that bump! There is a lot to consider with this in terms of attention…and safety!
Jul 18, 2012 @ 21:18:51
If you wouldn’t take a phone call — i.e. in the middle of a family dinner — you shouldn’t be reading/writing a text. Too simple? Maybe. So far, I am lucky and my 13 year old is pretty respectful.
Jul 20, 2012 @ 10:50:31
Yes, good guideline, Mary! Good to have these discussions with kids when they are younger… I think mine are usually making good choices, but I see the impact of how their friends use their devices….which leads to more conversations….but trying to remain open
Jul 19, 2012 @ 13:29:48
Good question Sheila, what is the good balance? Parents need to have the conversation with their kids before the cell phone, smart phone whatever device is purchased. Talk about why a cell phone, how to use it responsibly, when to use it and the consequences. Easier to add priviledges than to take away. To say that the electronic device in your child’s hand will not become a problem you are only kidding yourself so better to have the conversation right at the beginning. I’ve heard this from so many parents. Our kids did not have phones until after high school.
What annoys me not so much when my kids are texting they include me in the conversation letting me know (I think) who they are talking to. But what does annoy me is when their friends are over and texting other friends…. down right rude I think, like waiting for a better friendship offer.
Our two older kids did not have a cell phone until the summer they went to university. The oldest has now graduated and at that time there were still a few kids like herself. Now with my son in high school most if not all of his friends have a phone and even a few of my sixth grade son’s friends do as well.
As others have mentioned here the problem is not just that of our teens but adults as well. Not too long ago I heard it mentioned how we no longer live in the moment of enjoying what we are experiencing but too quick to share the moment with others only because we can…. interesting observation.
Jul 20, 2012 @ 10:56:29
Good points to consider, Anelia! And interesting to observe trends. I have references to the same as well – sharing getting in the way of experiencing, or changing the experience.
I want all of you to come over and talk at my kitchen table!
But this is still great learning and sharing. Thanks!
This Week in Ontario Edublogs | doug – off the record
Jul 20, 2012 @ 05:00:45
Jul 27, 2012 @ 08:11:29
I’m not sure there is a problem with teens and texting. I think the problem is more generalized.
Teens find themselves interacting with groups of people who have very different attitudes around communication. Seeing teens with other teens they are quite comfortable with multitasking in communication. For them, interpersonal communication isn’t one-way, it’s multi-pointed where they receive input from several directions simultaneously and share information as needed. They’re quite comfortable conducting several conversations at once (conversational multitasking??) and to them this isn’t rude or inappropriate.
The problem, of course, is that teens are sometimes in situation with people who don’t communicate that way and aren’t comfortable with people who communicate that way. They need to learn to negotiate that, but I prefer to see that treated as a learning opportunity, a chance for them to understand the why of it and that not everyone thinks the same way as they do. I’m not a big fan of making rules because it removes the opportunity to try and learn. Rules just teach them that they’re not in control.
Speaking of control, I think it’s interesting that we’re discussing teens and texting and not just texting. It’s a much bigger issue and lots of adults struggle with using their phone at inappropriate times (I do), but we kind of shrug or make an internal judgement about the kind of person they are. Why do we treat teens differently?
Jul 27, 2012 @ 10:34:31
Anelia writes “But what does annoy me is when their friends are over and texting other friends…. down right rude I think, like waiting for a better friendship offer.” What’s going on here is that they are maintaining their relationships 24/7. It’s not that they’re waiting for a better offer, it’s that they constantly need to reassure each other of the level of friendship they have with each other and they seemingly need to do this with everyone on their “friends list” all at once. Ironically, they haven’t figured out that you develop more intimacy by giving face to face undivided attention to someone. So, instead they maintain friendships by being available 24/7. The compulsion to stay so tightly connected is because their social circles are constantly shifting. As adults, we know who’s sticking around for a season, a reason, or a lifetime, or at least we have a lot more experience with this concept. Teens are using texting to help them figure all this out.
Here’s a link to some more info from my research. I produced a documentary on the subject and spoke with experts like senior Microsoft researcher, Danah Boyd, and London Knowledge Lab’s Professor David Buckingham.
http://janemitchinson.ca/?page_id=8
I do think we need to have that talk with teens. I understand the compulsion but I don’t think we should give into it completely. Teens need to be able to navigate audiences and social interactions in the flesh as well as online. That means putting the phones away at times to accomodate the comfort level of people from different generations. It may mean coaching them to display or put out an “apologetic unavailable message” to friends during those times.
There’s more reasons than just social etiquette to teach teens to build boundaries with tech-use. I’ve had students give their BBM numbers to bosses at McDonald’s and now they’re on call 24/7 for a minimum paying job. Yikes! The boss can also tell when the text has been received, read and responded to. Unions should have a field-day with this one!
Jul 27, 2012 @ 11:04:45
I’m again asking the question “Why teens?” Are adults not also struggling with this? I think they are.
I heard a story about a game that some professional now play when they get together for lunch/drinks. All the phones are put in the centre of the table and the first one to reach for their phone has to pay for the bill. Doesn’t this suggest adults are struggling with the same issue, but no one is forcing them to put away their phones and behave.
Why, when they’re with adults not comfortable with texting, do teens have to put their phones away? Are their times when the adults are forced to text? If not, this is really about generational differences, attitudes, power and control, not texting.
Jul 27, 2012 @ 11:50:24
Andrew,
-Sounds like a fun game. I suspect the game leads to many funny anecdotal comments that the group can share at some later point that will deepen and strengthen their bond.
-Tiffany Shlain did a documentary about adults and their connection with technology called “Connected”. I suggest you check it out.
-You’re the adult, so you set the framework. You don’t have to make the issue about power. Make it about respect.
Jul 27, 2012 @ 12:02:33
I’m not sure there’s a need to make it an issue at all. People communicate in a variety of different ways and modes, however when people see teens communicating in a way different from their’s they label it as aberrant and want to restrict and control it. That’s not really about the mode of communication than it’s about people’s need to control others. What would be respectful would be if at a family gathering adults and teens got to communicate in the ways they felt comfortable without telling others what to do. Alternately, why not have a period of time when no one texts and then a period of time when everyone, even the adults, have to text. Why is there a need to stop texting because some adults don’t like it, or feel comfortable with it?
Jul 27, 2012 @ 13:24:05
I guess I must have jumped too far ahead. I was speaking from the perspective that the adults in the room already understood the teen connection with texting but hoped that teens would understand and appreciate their value of face to face interaction as well =mutual respect. Really don’t think forcing adults to text is part of the solution either. I thought you were the one against rules?
Jul 27, 2012 @ 13:55:06
I agree that forcing adults to text isn’t much of a solution but it’s equally ridiculous as forcing teens not to. Why, when a group of people get together should one group get to dictate how communication happens? Why wouldn’t there be compromise, give and take?
This isn’t really about texting but about a generational divide, a different way of seeing the world and interacting with it. It’s no different that adults who see public spaces as one thing and teens who see them as places to skate. The texting itself is neutral but the meaning people put on it is what’s causing the problem.
Jul 27, 2012 @ 14:18:05
Appreciate your recent input and exchange, Andrew and Jane! I am hoping to bring together some insight I have gathered from talking to a few teenagers lately…and to reflect and comment more on what you both have shared.
Thanks again, all!
Jul 29, 2012 @ 17:03:24
We are mostly discussing texting, but there would also be “checking” time as part of this…checking to see if there is a new text and, depending on the phone, if there are new notifications from social media or other sites. I had one older teen express to me that it does feel addictive at times and that having to be unconnected for a time can bring about a strange feeling.
Recently I was also surprised when a parent a fair bit younger than me expressed that the teens do seem addicted to their phones, and expressed concern about her own son being hassled by a friend when he didn’t respond to a text right away.
Maybe we aren’t necessarily focusing on teens per se. Is it really because it is the age group/cohort/generation that has embraced the access to and been immersed with this kind of communication more? Have some missed out on some guidance and conversations to help build boundaries – as Jane referred to? Do some need different support than others?
Whether teenagers or adults…. lots to think about and understand better.
Jul 30, 2012 @ 00:43:42
I think the question should be “why have so many people (with many from the younger generations) embraced the technology for communication so readily?” The answers have deep social roots and I think those roots are slightly different for teens than for adults. Reinforcement through a positive response strengthens the bond with the tech in either case. That needs to explored more.
Since we all agree that autonomy is important, then I guess the question becomes, “how does someone become autonomous?” Is it just natural instinct or is it something that is modeled for us and something we are guided through?
Lastly, no one has yet brought up the fact that intergenerational communication is imperative in a properly functioning society. By having teens elect to “opt out” of family gatherings by sticking their noses in their phones, are we doing the next generation a disservice? What does “meeting in the middle” truly look like?
Jul 30, 2012 @ 05:08:46
I question whether people who use texting are ‘opting out’ of family gatherings. Opting out would be refusing to go. What’s actually happening is a different way of communicating. In the same way that hypertext allowed information to be presented in a new, non-linear, form, digital devices are allowing people to communicate in a new form. People can now effectively hold conversations with several people simultaneously and asynchronously. Some people aren’t comfortable with this, however, and think that it is in some way rude or disrespectful because conversations don’t follow the traditional form. I don’t think that’s necessarily true.
Some people may be ‘opting out’ but that isn’t restricted to those using digital devices. People use a variety of strategies to ‘opt out’ of social situations (don’t show, alcohol, make an excuse and leave, etc.) and yet none of these are discussed. No one is suggesting that nobody can drink because Uncle George uses alcohol to deal with the stress of a family gathering. So why do we do this with texting?
Jul 30, 2012 @ 23:43:06
Some how what I’ve said has been taken out of context. I’m not talking about rules. I’m not some technophobe against texting. I was the first one in my school to ask for an exemption to the “no cellphones in class rule” over 3 years ago. Please do not misunderstand me.
The issue has to do with situations where it may be appropriate for teens to self-regulate, recognizing what form of communication is suited to the social context-whether it’s carrying on multiple conversations and only giving split attention to those who are present or whether it’s giving the gift of your full attention face to face. I think we all need to learn when each is best suited to the situation at hand. Tell me zenteacher, do you have teens and do you allow them to text at the dinner table? Do you think it’s okay for an adult to check his or her phone while receiving face to face instructions from the boss? Just wondering if or where you draw the line in social etiquette.
Einstein said “If a man is kissing a pretty girl while driving safely, he is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
Jul 31, 2012 @ 23:14:19
I understand you questions, Jane, and where you are coming from. Good questions to think about!
I understand what you are saying too, Andrew. We can make judgements that may not always be consistent and fair from situation to situation and across age groups.
I think it is good to keep thinking about what “meeting in the middle” might look like, as Jane asked. With respect for all involved too, and more clarity of priorities with communication perhaps.
Aug 01, 2012 @ 12:52:43
I find Andrew’s comment draws our attention…
‘Speaking of control, I think it’s interesting that we’re discussing teens and texting and not just texting. It’s a much bigger issue and lots of adults struggle with using their phone at inappropriate times (I do), but we kind of shrug or make an internal judgement about the kind of person they are. Why do we treat teens differently?’
…. oh so true. Texting and driving (for example) not just a teen issue.
Thanks for the discussion Sheila, time to reflect on my own habits.
Dec 26, 2012 @ 11:18:48
Hi Anelia. Just read this in our local paper the other day… quite the statement regarding adults. The author certainly thought the phone use was at an inappropriate time:
http://www.chroniclejournal.com/editorial/letters/2012-12-24/parents-get-phone
If parents are modelling such in front of younger children… what can we expect when they are teens?
Dec 27, 2012 @ 21:34:45
Thanks Sheila, all about timing and enjoying the moment, lesson learned.